In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
someone owes me an orgasm
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
