You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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