I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
