i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
