my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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