Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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