I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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