i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
