Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
