I wannas sexs uuuuu
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
