When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
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