Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just want nice things and good sex
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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