i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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