I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
