I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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