I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize