my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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