Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Randomize
