My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
