i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
