I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize