found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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