Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
