Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
