Christians are straight up FREAKS
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
