I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
