if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
