You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
