Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
