I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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