Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize