i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
