My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
