matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
