I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize