How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
