um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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