I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
