You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
