you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
