Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
