the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize