another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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