Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
