I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
