I bet he comes in French.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
