All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize