if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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