dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
