Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
