What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just forgot I was standing up.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
