Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
