Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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