I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
so much tequila, so little girl.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
