Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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