The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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