So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
