Acid is not a monday night drug
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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