Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
