Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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