There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
